one of my earliest memories
is closing my eyes in kindergarten
and seeing stars behind my lids.
when my teacher had us go around the room
and say what we felt thankful for i said
"that i could see stars
when i closed my eyes".
i was a weird kid,
to say the least
and remained that way this whole time.
in high school i woulnd't hardly talk
for months at a time
so focused on my strained interiority.
i lost my fucking mind
and after all those terrible hallucinations
of snakes that didn't exist writhing and gripping me
while i lay in bed and screamed
i was diagnosed schizophrenic.
to say that i was in pain
or great anguish
is not conjecture as if to say it comes with being an artist.
my madness and my art
are two shooting stars
passing like ships in the night sky.
it's all a matter of clinical record
if you must know.
but i searched still
and lived my life.
to do my art and
and meet my woman
was to be tracking the animals of the plains
and a matter of instinctual hope
amidst jesuschrist what storm only i could know.
now i'm a stable guy
and back in school
tho my achievements are still all so far outside of that.
the clouds pass pleasantly over the sun
and i do not fear the darkness of four am
nor does it really hardly ever come.
far as i'm concerned
the cold ale sprouts from the trees just for me
and i get nicely drunk
in the mild leaves of fall.
we all have our struggles
that's for goddamn sure
i'll never forget mine
nor be ever more happy
to let them fade off
left behind in kansas
as i get off the turnpike road
and still keep driving east to missouri.