everyday when i take my pill, i am reminded of what thin ice my sanity is walking on.
the poetry, reading time, great relationship with kelly, social activism, great pets, performances, meaningful friendships, clean house, very small but stable disability income, all used to be so much more tenuous. then invega came along, errr... somethin' like that.
fast forward six years ago. i was coming undone and had almost no meaningful friendships or relationships outside my immediate family. definitely coming undone at the age of 18 nearing my 19th birthday, at the end of my first semester of state college in springfield. i would worriedly move home that summer. one time right after my psychotic episodes started, i saw my mom and dads face turn literally (to me) into vampire monster's modeled after a kindergarten nightmare, but in waking time. a six day trip to the epilepsy ward shortly followed where they glued twenty two wires onto my head for purposes of scanning my brain with a video eeg contraption. they would find nothing of the sort. the next year after seeing a psychiatrist and counselor at community college who i became honest with i was labelled schizophrenia. i tried one medicine, infamous for it's side effects, and went in and out of drinking a lot. nothing stable came from it. i was in school, occasionally working, but barely, barely hanging on. most nights i barely slept, constant psychotic episodes with blankets turning into snakes, disembodied voices screaming at me to kill myself, shit like that. throughout the next several i experimented with dropping out, collective living, bands and touring, failed erratic relationships, dishwashing jobs, and so forth. some of my best friends in the world came out of that time, but most of the time there was no unified social support system, i was sort of hanging around in a netherworld, social ether, that sort of thing. some people knew what was going on with me. most had no or little idea. i was everyday coming undone and putting myself together. lauren jake and pat signifigantly came to help. a few of others too ocassionally. long story short, i kept seeing my psychiatrist, went to the hospital only once more, whence i was put on new medicine, invega, got on disability income, met the greatest women in the world, kept it real still straddling artsiness and radicality with a more knowing, winking eye, moved into an apartment with said beautiful woman and it's a weird feeling taking the good times with the so dreadfully bad...surely there are memories and beauty. along with being haunted by schizophrenia, i have lived for thrills, beauty, art and revolt. lesser known is my torment. i used to have horrible disabling psychotic episodes almost every day. now i haven't had one for six months really. i am truly thrilled, but everytime walgreens gets on the verge of fucking up my perscription while i have only one pill left, i am reminded of how haunted i can feel.
who knows what's next? i don't know where i'm going, just where i've been. maybe someday i'll tell everything and write a book, not just tell kelly and sometimes jake, occasionally also trying and relate to andy in his hardships, and now the internet...
so life goes on, and our social judgements, impressions, and conversations often enough even some of our friendships keep it at that 5% told, tip-of-the-iceburg level. even sensitive people try and tough it out. i'm guilty of that often... yet there's always more. even this writing only shows the tip. what's next? what don't you know? when will i tell you?