Whereforto Ye Wanderers

Whereforto Ye Wanderers.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

while alone ( bad, sad but painfully obviously true)

there is no one to share this with but you, anyway
and who you are and what it is are but details
that i have not yet hammered down like a nail in a
wall, 4 of 'em, all around. almost all the time
doors that stay open and never shut
doors that stay shut and never open
see, i'll get straight to the blunt of it:
when alone, i have some bad old habits that are hard to break
when alone, i think of all the wrong i've done and to whom i done it
when alone, i don't read much. i find it hard to stay on the page and not veer
into the next lane
while driving alone
while alone i can be very creative
but while alone i don't think that's as impressive as others do when they are with me
with you
is not alone
neither with them, with her, with him
while alone i give my self head aches
watching boobtubes and staying up late trolling online dating sites for someone more desperate than i
while alone i think strange thoughts even a confessional poem won't admit
while alone, to be honest, i think about other alone people and what they would think of me
and my alone and sometimes even go down that rat hole of 'why aren't we together?'
mostly cuz we're alone
while alone i realize i'm a somewhat lonely and somewhat terrible person
though i never go so far as to accuse me of any intentional wrongdoing
while alone i have nightmares
bad posture
but i eat well
while alone i don't play as much music as i could
shit, i take about 3 baths a day when i'm alone and that takes time!
while alone i make bad decisions like admitting any of this via text message
while alone i listen to talk radio like my father sometimes
never been on one hike alone
and pickling truly isn't the same without someone to help eat all the goddamn pickles
while alone i use more utilities
i pluck hairs i don't like with a tweezer
i cry and i try to tell my self that this too shall pass
and it will
while alone i think about being sick
and how it has in some ways lead me to being alone
but lately when i'm alone, i think of how that very fact sickens me worse
and i tell my self i need to get healthy to prove to you that i'm not that pained negative paranoid freak i was sometimes that made you wanna leave
and then i sit
and remind my self that's probably only partially true
and get back into those bad old habits
and think about how i need to stop thinking about how for a minute
try to take a deep breath
now you:
try to take a deep breath
it makes me feel less alone when we interact, just try it
no person iS actually exactly as you perceive them

now, what's it like for you while alone?

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