the trees are burning
ash falls like snow upon me
a long winter comes

what the fuck it mean?
mindfulness beneath a tree
is that you john wayne?

dreamlike wichitas

-where is my mind

-my past,

-my home city.

Dusty hallways with scrunched eager faces wooden floors and chipped radiators,

angry fist poems,

delicate steroeotypical prom darlings

;created to let me down.

Running through the aqueducts of the city

and tasting poverty

at first as an outsider

it seemed so enticing,

i was so foolish.

The hollow points of silence, aloneness, infinite yearning and burning.

Friendships unfinished.

Some first metaphysical freedom within one's own mind

and initial inklings of madness also.

Onwards wichita,

fighterplane engine maker, bombs and rust,

new suburban enterprises as always,

rise and fall

rise and fall.

Those loins from which i basically sprung.

Best bring yr track cleats though when trying to outrun the past and wichita.

alive? well, in saint loser at least

trying to ask myself why doesn't work

i try to ask myself why i can barely bring myself to be very social anymore

did i leave for too long? am i uninteresting? iS it claire? could it be my illness? it couldn't be my illness, could it?

drunk poet with no drink, no thoughts to think

sometimes i wish this town had an excuse for being so cold

so soulless, so

uninterested, jaded with my existence

with my sickness

and i tell friends, "i better not go talk about my problems tonight to the only person in town who wants to listen, or still even wants to come over for that matter"

because "i might just wanna tell all those people in that party to piss off, and no one wants that"

she laughs, knowing i'm capable of exactly that

and running out of patience for much else

and such iS coming to understand that it could be me, it could be the scene, but regardless we were never fit to be

i have ideas (funny and serious)

i like to play chess

and cards

and basketball

and i'm sure goddamn tired of these fucks not even having the guts to tell me that ain't enough

so what if it ain't

don't miss me when i'm long gone from the city you wish you came from

listening to old movies on a sony walkman

thought
paralyzed by prospect of action,
suddenly;
poem walks onto the scene!
so dainty and self assured
for me at least
as jake would say;
in marches the nameless
and do i have rain on my platter today?

windows open
midwestern spring
aw christ i was just aching for something so luscious and sooty green!
jade abyss of depth foreseen
while bass blasts across candy paint so sheen
is this gotham?
well, fuck it sure ain't eden you see...
so we drink scheme and when we see fit leave

for a nether realm
forgetting who is at the helm
shifts ships to abyss and the listless dismissed roam rome unknown until their feckless abandon gets twisted faster than usual into bohemian commodities.
still, THEY cannot posses my dreams
which are more morose and twisted than even my wildest vocabulary could foresee.

will this all end?
midwestern corrosion and the stagnation of ill societal trends?
well my friend
i'll be at the edge of my only seat
in the end
waiting to see
when the flood washes us all into the sea.

transmissions to ...

...
i don't know. yeah, i mean, today i feel like i haven't really eaten, but yeah i don't know if i can't absorb the nutrients through the food i eat, can't i just live off these expensive-ass supplements? no, i know i'm supposed to eat. obviously. i'm not debating that.

...

but what do you do when you're just tryin to peel some apples for when yer lady gets back from the therapist and you got the peeler out, cuz yer mom gave you a peeler and yer lady likes 'em peeled, and you got the peeler out, and you chip away one of yer fingernails with the peeler? what do you do then? don't act like i haven't though of these things. that's the one thing i can do, think

...

well, i'm just sayin if you had to get rid of every chair in yer house to help fix yer posture, and it's not like yer attached to any of 'em or nothin, you just gotta do it, you'd prolly just do it, right?

man, sometimes i can't even bring myself to do some shit like that. to get better. because until i truly believe that that one thing will help enough to strain myself as hard as to do something like remove all my goddamned chairs and maybe even replace 'em with new ones, i ain't riskin it.

...

i don't know what's goin on. and today's a good fucking day. on a good fucking day, i still feel like a damn teenager--- don't know whatdafuck iS goin on. should i? will i? does this? but what about? all the while, i'm doin plenty of shit, but sometimes it feels like i didn't do shit. and what they say?? take some fuckin zoloft. i swear if you could kill doctors and get away with it, i'd ask you to get rid of a couple around town. and the one who told me that, i like! i like that one.

...

naw, i don't feel like i'm disillusioned. i feel like i'm fucking crazy lately. like i don't have a damn social skill left. like if i don't get my back adjusted soon, it's just gonna stay this way. but if i do, i don't have a dime to give a bum at a gas station. can't get shit but food. and i don't even like that much shit. but when you ain't got it, you'll know. god forbid, friend, i'm sorry, i would never wish that on another. cept like rush limbaugh or rahm emanuel or somebody like that. but see, they done did wrong. ain't nobody ain't done wrong i want feelin like this. period.

gmail.

i'm always checking my email

in the middle of the day

not sure what i was looking for

anyways

always checking my gmail

in the middle of the night

never sure what i was looking for

well hell alright...

killing time slowly

with a blunt pickaxe

but so sure where to start

when it comes to systems to smash...

we live digital linear

with so much left unsaid

they will paint our pretty corpses

and say 'such handsome walking dead'.f

casinotown post #666

it's not that i think i'd be right
to say i'm not quite right
with riots so white
they black as the nite
but the back don't feel right
think i might be lacking certain chemicals
but it's just a might
maybe, probably, well, kinda, if
i could just have an answer
not just spliffs and myths
far-distant trips and a head fulla pissed
off? on? BRAIN?
and i'm out the door
buckle up, never been on a ride like this before

breaking shackles of time
imposed by resources and rat race
to sit here
in slow place, slow pace slow day
realizing lost prisms
of shattered reality
listless
ennui rapturous
from the other side.

"love my love my careless love
I only want to lay with you"
-Bonnie Prince Billy

My brain is coming unwound again
I slept too long too much last night dreaming of you
with you lying on my chest,
an exquisite calm for this vast torrent.

My brain is coming unwound again
The coffee can never be strong enough
to pull me together
The colors blur and slur and swirl
amidst my racing head
Yet you ease me.
You come so that we may be each others pillows
In these eras of doubt and discomfort.
I want to be the same for you
I just want to reassure you to be calm in the middle of your vast torrents.
Damnit
I
am trying
Yea we are sure trying
and for that i am grateful
for I know that I've earned the right
To know you in this way.

all this love i've found for everybody
sometimes i have to pull it out of the abyss,
the city,
the beer,
the crazy,
and whatnot.
it's easy to forget about
or overlook
but man damnit it's there.