saving money/simple economics

today,
i will buy no books from amazon.com,
nor from the archive bookstore (which is closing) nor
dunaway books
tho i feel as if i could use several more
which would get promptly read
esp. since my library card
is racking up fines.

today,
i will buy no food,
not from the grocery store
nor from mochabes cafe
nor blues city deli
nor other assorted diners and themed restaurants in which
one can obtain a sandwhich.

I do not need to buy gas
there is gas in my car,
and besides i think i'll bike
today.
-a record would be nice,
but no i will not buy that either.

i need not spend money or debit/credit on
beer, whiskey,
mixed drinks or a bottle of wine for my girlfriend
to drink,
neither at a grocery store
liquor retail outlet
nor dive bar or concert venue or other
bar establishment.
we were pretty drunk last night
and need a night off.

i have drank two cups of coffee
however i could use one more
and under the economic pressure
of these economic times
and in the midst of my economic plight
i might buckle under the pressure and spend
one dollar and fifty cents
on a mediocre cup
of iced coffee in exchange for a cool place to chill
and nice environment,
for i have roughly six hours to kill,
no other prospects
and have a little extra cash in my
account for such endeavors
after all.

Charlotte Hornets and RBI Baseball

you knew me when i was 25
you knew me when i was 23
you knew me when i was 2-oo-oo-oh-oo-oo-ooh

and i bet it all gets pretty hard to explain
cuz i don't quite wake up the same everyday
you've seen me be so many ways
yes, you've seen me be so many days

taken trips, stated ifs, made the script and stayed to it
stuck to it, the fuck with it, but don't give up, we'll live it up
we'll move away, decide to stay, be wild and play in stylish ways
and never stop, this clever drop, from here to there, we were where?

cuz ya knew me when i was 25
you knew me when i was 23
you knew me when i was 2-oo-oo-oh-oo-ooh-oo

it's not that i'm not tryin, no it's not that yr not tryin
i'll stay in st. louis, you'll glide to an island
you'll stay in california, i'll fly to an island
we'll stay up in brooklyn and talk on a roof
our legacies ain't written and we don't need the proof
that we've done what we've done, yes we'll do what we do
same mother, same father, same sister, the two

of us, the two
of us, the twoo
of uS, the twoooh
of US!
 (you know me when i'm 26, you'll know me when i'm 62. let's kick it.)

springtime

springtime's humid mist...
we all know loss
we know hope,
likewise ideals and words
and wonderlust
and wonder.

the lavish internet underscores our aspirations,
yahoo news will ineluctably define the tragicomedies of our era,
and we pray on the bridges of epochs.
gary and jake walk around the park slightly stoned with ginger soda,
and the tiny insects shroud themselves in the coming sunlight.

i want to meet death on the road
in the shade
of an old town
on a somewhat major road
and drive out from the town
into the breeze
somewhere with cherry blossoms or
redwoods
and fall asleep drunk
with a black pillow clutched
on a hardwood floor
as tough yellow vitamin pills
clutch at my windpipe walls
and lorca comes out of the closet
asks "is he moving",
"no," they will say
just a slight coma.
no, they won't bury me in the frontlawn
or bass pro shops
in springfield missouri
off of battlefield road
quite yet,

in the midst of the springtime,
a lusch tapestry
of green and brown-red
for our dreams and dusty ideals
to creep in through the living room window
like a cat
with a pouncing jingling collar.

cock of the walk

i'm walkin around the southside alone again
sometimes it's midnight, other times it's 3AM
no christian imagery
well, very little
maybe it's a short walk
more than likely it's very short or i wouldn't be out so late
i'd call a cab cuz i have a job now
i'd grab a drink with a friend cuz i have a job now
but for now, i'm happy to be alone
wouldn't want any trouble on these cold streets
get home and eat cold macaroni and cold meat

a funny joke i heard

nothing lasts forever...




except poetry readings.

Impure Thinker (for Sean Arnold)

"I am an impure thinker. I am hurt, swayed, shaken, elated, disillusioned, shocked, comforted, and I have to transmit my mental experiences lest I die. And although I may die. To write a book is no luxury. It is a means of survival. By writing a book, one frees the mind from an overwhelming impression. The test for a book is its lack of arbitrariness, the fact that it had to be done in order to clear the road for further life and work."

-Eugen Rosenstock-Huessy, I Am An Impure Thinker

from Jellybones to Jello's bones

and across the country in 3 ways

A man, he sits at coffeeshops with nothing on display

he carries bread and water 

and taught himself to cook

You never see his nose, because his nose is in the books

and heads are in the clouds somewhere 

but not across the park

Light-traveling Light Traveler awakened from the dark

and all the Poet's Poems

and all the City's Kids

Reminding my friends that it iS what it iS

somewhere

somewhere
he is scraping language from the seat
 he is wrenching bitterness from the tides,
he spits black bile
against an agitated black sky,
"quoth the raven",
these are surely abysmal eras,
but then the triumph
of the everyday moment
that doesn't
-suck.

fragment remembered from rolling stone magazine, roughly 2006

"so tonight
conor oberst will
fire up the
bong,
and listen to
bruce springsteen's "neberaska"
un-ironically..."

the last 6 years, the godshonest truth

everyday when i take my pill, i am reminded of what thin ice my sanity is walking on.

the poetry, reading time, great relationship with kelly, social activism, great pets, performances, meaningful friendships, clean house, very small but stable disability income, all used to be so much more tenuous.  then invega came along, errr... somethin' like that.
  fast forward six years ago.  i was coming undone and had almost no meaningful friendships or relationships outside my immediate family.  definitely coming undone at the age of 18 nearing my 19th birthday, at the end of my first semester of state college in springfield.  i would worriedly move home that summer.  one time right after my psychotic episodes started, i saw my mom and dads face turn literally (to me) into vampire monster's modeled after a kindergarten nightmare, but in waking time.  a six day trip to the epilepsy ward shortly followed where they glued twenty two wires onto my head for purposes of scanning my brain with a video eeg contraption.  they would find nothing of the sort.  the next year after seeing a psychiatrist and counselor at community college who i became honest with i was labelled schizophrenia.  i tried one medicine, infamous for it's side effects, and went in and out of drinking a lot.  nothing stable came from it.  i was in school, occasionally working, but barely, barely hanging on.  most nights i barely slept, constant psychotic episodes with blankets turning into snakes, disembodied voices screaming at me to kill myself, shit like that.  throughout the next several i experimented with dropping out, collective living, bands and touring, failed erratic relationships, dishwashing jobs, and so forth.  some of my best friends in the world came out of that time, but most of the time there was no unified social support system, i was sort of hanging around in a netherworld, social ether, that sort of thing.  some people knew what was going on with me.  most had no or little idea.  i was everyday coming undone and putting myself together.  lauren jake and pat signifigantly came to help.  a few of others too ocassionally.  long story short, i kept seeing my psychiatrist, went to the hospital only once more, whence i was put on new medicine, invega, got on disability income, met the greatest women in the world, kept it real still straddling artsiness and radicality with a more knowing, winking eye, moved into an apartment with said beautiful woman and it's a weird feeling taking the good times with the so dreadfully bad...surely there are memories and beauty.  along with being haunted by schizophrenia, i have lived for thrills, beauty, art and revolt.  lesser known is my torment.  i used to have horrible disabling psychotic episodes almost every day.  now i haven't had one for six months really.  i am truly thrilled, but everytime walgreens gets on the verge of fucking up my perscription while i have only one pill left, i am reminded of how haunted i can feel.
       who knows what's next?  i don't know where i'm going, just where i've been.  maybe someday i'll tell everything and write a book, not just tell kelly and sometimes jake, occasionally also trying and relate to andy in his hardships, and now the internet...
     so life goes on, and our social judgements, impressions, and conversations often enough even some of our friendships keep it at that 5% told, tip-of-the-iceburg level.  even sensitive people try and tough it out.  i'm guilty of that often... yet there's always more.  even this writing only shows the tip.  what's next?  what don't you know?  when will i tell you?

quantuum physics-

-yr only losing
if it's a battle,
game,
or competition.

otherwise,
"is what it is"
as the cohen bros. would say.

springtime

springtime and i'm writing soundscapes
believe i'm in a 3 Pounds state
of mind
we say we grind
and we grind our teeth
we find our minds when we mind our sleep
patterns
and class action glass ceiling shatters
Gary swears Satan is related to Saturn
somethin, somethin, somethin
somethin bout an S, a T and an N
somethin bout some Festies and breathin on men
somethin bout some Testies and creepin on in
quick
she loves to move them hips
loves to talk smooth and twist them spliffs
loves to chalk schools and eat potato chips
for breakfast
and then guess what's next, cuz
Rikshaw crept up in a Mazda, not Lexus
not a Testa, but does the deed
Prole and Nature Boy control the speed

springtime and i'm writing soundscapes
must believe i'm in a 3 Pounds state
of body
while Paid Pied Pipers get Rowdy Roddy Rowdy Rowdy Rowdy Rowdy Rowdy Rowdy
at like 4 in the mornin
homies round the fire tellin age-old stories
shorties drinkin 40's and it's stormy and glorious

pretty mama, pretty mama 
pretty mama passes me a loaded pipe
Cras rolls by on a half-broken bike
there's mikes and skateboards and some frozen slice
of pizza in the freezer if you want some bites
known to roll roads and smoke blunts in tights
known to smoke openly in front porch light
known to flow openly in stolo nikes
known to old growth oak trees
on Tower Grove nights

we channel all myths
on analog synths
we we we channel all myths
on on on analog synths

springtime, and we're writing soundscapes
best believe we in a 3 Pounds state
of togetherness
just enjoy the weather, kids

(do what feels good and erase what's better than
what's never been

what's better than?
what's never been?
what's better than?
what's never been. )